Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
