Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize