dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
