Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
