I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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