After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
