I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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