guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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