and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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