I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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