you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
