So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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