I can tuck mytits in my pants
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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