did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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