The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
