My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
