dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
