I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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