I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
