True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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