I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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