If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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