we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
