I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
