Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
two words: eviction party
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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