six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
