Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
