Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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