Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
