so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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