My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
