you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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