If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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