Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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