Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
