I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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