i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
