I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
