she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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