if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
