Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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