The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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