I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
