i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
