I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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