Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
