I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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