There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
