my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize