sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I have post one night stand depression
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