i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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