i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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