GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
