I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
