Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
