She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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