I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
