Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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