I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
