cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
