there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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