Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
