the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
