Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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