Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
