FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
