Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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